Divine. Messy. Human. ⋆ The Pain Game Podcast.

Episode 17

Divine. Messy. Human.

November 29, 2022

On this episode, Lyndsay Soprano talks (and laughs) with her guest Amanda Kate, kinesiologist, coach, author, and speaker about prioritizing internal truth over external influence. She pulled herself out of a marriage filled with domestic violence, and a messy life drowned out with people pleasing and self-hatred. NOT ANYMORE! Meet this amazing woman who Lyndsay fell in love with and you will too. Be Divine, messy, and human with them.

Amanda Kate, is a recovering people pleaser and self flagellator, which she uses all over the place.

She straddles the divine and messy on the daily. She is a kinesiologist life coach, speaker and author who helps her clients systems diffuse stress and help move out of disease into a place of wellness and not to mention a mother and quite a hottie as well.

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They start with a little bit about her trauma and people pleasing and self-flagellation because it’s key to where she is now.

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From such a young age she just saw what everybody else wanted and needed and felt like it was her job to create that for them. That’s a crazy thing, especially when you’re so small, but her sister was quite demanding and her mom always said she was born to be an only child. So even from that she kind of took it as if she wasn’t even meant to be here.

And she knows that is not what she intended, but as a child that was what she thought. So she thought if she was not meant to be here, then she’d better make everybody else’s lives as perfect as possible to make sure that they’re all okay. It was all about everybody else making sure that they had what they needed. Every criticism that she got hit her like somebody had put a knife in her.

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They spoke about how she felt criticized all of the time and overreacted. People would say that she was too sensitive, reactive or defensive.

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She carried cruelty and hurt with her and carried it with her very heavily. She was so terrified of being criticized and of getting things wrong.

It was so deeply ingrained that my sister was born to be an only child, and she screwed that up. Like her arriving felt like a mistake. And so from very early on, that was the premise that she built her life on.

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But now she has stepped into her own power, and the more she steps into her own power…a lot of people have sort of fallen away. And it’s quite fascinating when you start looking at that, going from that really, really boundary-less people pleaser into somebody who has strong boundaries and who will not accept being treated certain ways.

That’s a massive jump for other people to get used to, because she’s putting in boundaries that she’s not willing to sacrifice because of her mental health, because of her physical health. She ended up with chronic fatigue in about 2013, and it was purely due to the chronic emotional, psychological and other types of abuse that she’d been suffering day in, day out.

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You put people up on this pedestal and you are aiming to be perfect for them, and you are never going to reach that height, ever. Because it’s impossible. You can never make somebody else happy. You can never make somebody else like you. And nobody ever got a chance to know the real Amanda because she was always showing them the person she thought they wanted her to be. So even when she started this journey, she had no clue.

She learned not to have needs and wants. She didn’t think she deserved to have needs. Your voice is always worse than the worst critic.

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She started asking herself questions about why she was sick and it slowly started to shift. She started to heal her inner voice and realized how big some of the abuse she was dealing with was.

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Then Amanda briefs on pain. The way that we look at pain in kinesiology is pain is just an over-energy. And so if you think about how much you’ve been holding onto so tightly, and if you just imagine those muscles trying to get tighter and tighter and tighter because “I’m going to hold onto this and I’m going to double down. Because if I don’t double down on what I believe, I’m going to have to change my belief systems. And that’s fucking scary.”

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Lyndsay states, “I know I’m going to have to change things and deal and take inventory and do work, but we’re fine. Doing the work to make to help other people be better. We’re just like, I don’t have any time for me right now because I’m dealing with all of your shit and your shit is far more important than mine. Is that just because we’re taking the spotlight off of ourselves?”

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They continue the conversation about people pleasing. When you come from an ingrained brain of people pleasing, it’s like always back here, this little hamster running around back here. And we are like, shut up. You’re squeaking so loud. And she (Lyndsay) was proud of herself because these little things that she’s changing here and there are making huge leaps and bounds. Even though it seems like it’s such a small thing, it’s incredible.

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They speak about putting all of their shit in boxes and trying to bury them away and toss their boxes of traumas and pain into the ocean.

You know what happens is little air bubbles pop out and they explode like a volcano. Because we are making so much effort at holding that shit in, it’s got to come out somewhere.
And so Amanda was explosive, she was more angry, was was quick to temper, she was quick to react, because she constantly felt under attack. And the more she tried to hide all that shameful shit within her, that actually, now that she’s unpacked, was not shameful at all. It was a hurt little child doing the best she could to survive to the next day. That was all it was. And so in her, putting all of that effort into hiding this truth about herself, she didn’t achieve anything. All she achieved was spraying hurt around her like a machine gun of it.

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They would see her behavior and question mental health.

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Our entire being is about being part of a tribe, being part of our community, being part of our family group, because that’s what we need the safety and numbers to live to adulthood so that we can reproduce and we can create more people that will keep the race going.

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They both believe there’s a bigger picture. We just don’t know. We are not God.

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They also both believe in the power of our brain and our bodies to heal themselves.

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So then they talk about Amanda’s book Divine Messy Human: a spiritual guide to prioritizing internal truth over external influence.

Let’s get to the heart of how to heal. With you by my side.

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